Venom of Resentment: I haven’t written in sometime but ill leave the link below to what inspired me. I have carried hatred in my heart for many years and I’ve finally realised who its been hurting the most…..me!
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Forgiveness: The Bitter Pill That Sets Us Free.
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I haven’t written a blog in a while, so I thought I’d say hello again and talk a little about something I’m trying to work on in my own life right now.
Forgiveness.
Even writing that word feels a little uncomfortable, because forgiveness sounds simple until you’re asked to forgive something that genuinely hurt you.
A Little Back Story
I have struggled in more ways than one throughout my relatively short life so far, as I’m sure many of you reading this have too. I don’t believe anybody’s struggles are lesser than somebody else’s. We each have our own lessons to learn from this life, and I believe some of our struggles are given to us to help us learn those lessons before we eventually return home.
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That being said, I had a good upbringing in many ways, but it was also difficult.
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I won’t go into everything here, but as a child I struggled with feelings of being less than others. There was belittling, some narcissistic abuse, learning difficulties that caused rifts within the family and sometimes left me feeling as though I was the reason for them, and alcoholism within the family.
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And all of that was before I hit high school. That’s when things became interesting, shall we say. I turned to sex, drugs and rock and roll, as the saying goes. With all that built-up resentment inside me, I lashed out, as so many of us do when we don’t know what else to do with the pain we are carrying. Underage drinking, promiscuity, acting out and generally causing pain both to myself and to other people.
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Looking back now, I can see that so much of that behaviour came from hurt.
Finding God
I have to say, for most of my younger life I never really gave much thought to God or Yeshua. I knew of them and they were spoken about but I didn’t have the relationship I have now with them.
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There was one time when I was very young — maybe six or seven. My mum and dad had separated, and my mum took us on holiday to Italy.
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I remember, even now, being completely fascinated by the monks in their robes. I wanted to follow them everywhere. There was something about them that drew me in, although at that age I obviously didn’t understand why.
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I always found comfort in being in churches I felt safe and even to this day whenever I go on holiday I will always go into at least one church. Other than that, though, I never gave faith much thought. Especially when I became a teenager! Fast-forward to my late twenties and early thirties, and something started to change. I began developing a relationship with God and Yeshua.
Quietly.
On the down low.
Because heaven forbid anyone thought I was becoming a Jesus freak!
But now, fast-forward again to my forties, and I find myself caring less and less about what other people think of me and much more about what God and Yeshua think of me.
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And lately I have found myself searching. I want to grow closer to them, but I haven’t really known how. I feel as though I have been trying to claw my way, inch by inch, towards God’s love and grace without fully understanding what I need to do.
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Then I came across a video of a pastor called Josh Howerton talking about forgiveness. And something hit me.
The Venom of Resentment
I’ll hold my hands up and admit something. I have been carrying resentment and hatred around with me for years. Some hurts I thought I had moved on from, but the truth is, moving on and forgiving are not necessarily the same thing.
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Resentment is strange. It can begin as a hole in your heart, but if you feed it for long enough, that hole grows legs. And believe me, it spreads. Eventually, it feels as though every cell inside you has been affected by it in some way.
Resentment is like venom.
It slowly travels through you, killing little parts of you as it goes — your peace, your joy, your ability to trust, your compassion and sometimes even your ability to love. So what’s the antivenom, I hear you ask?
Forgiveness.
And wow, is that a bitter pill to swallow. Choosing Forgiveness I am only just beginning to learn this. Even as I sit here writing these words, there are people I haven’t completely forgiven for hurting me. There are things that happened years ago that I can still feel when I think about them. But I am beginning to understand that forgiveness isn’t saying what somebody did was okay.
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It isn’t pretending it didn’t hurt.
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It isn’t necessarily allowing somebody back into your life or removing the boundaries you needed to put in place.
For me, forgiveness is about deciding that I don’t want to carry the poison anymore.
Because the person who hurt me isn’t carrying my resentment around every day.
I am.
And if I truly want to move forward — if I truly want to grow closer to God — then I know there are things I need to release. I need to forgive the people who have hurt me. And perhaps just as importantly, I need to forgive myself. For the mistakes. For the people I hurt. For the things I did when I was hurting. For the younger versions of myself who didn’t know how to deal with what they were feeling.
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So I offer this little prayer now:
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God, please fill my heart with love. Remove the resentment I have carried for so long. Help me forgive the people who have hurt me, and help me forgive myself for the hurt I have caused. Give me the strength to let go of what I cannot change and the grace to stop allowing yesterday’s pain to control today’s heart. Help me move out of the darkness of hatred and resentment and into Your loving light.
I know forgiveness probably won’t happen overnight.
There may be days when I think I have forgiven someone, only for an old memory to come flooding back and make me angry all over again. But perhaps forgiveness isn’t always one enormous moment. Perhaps sometimes it is a choice we have to keep making.
Again. And again. And again.
Until one day we realise the thing that once had such a tight grip on our heart doesn’t have quite the same hold anymore. I’m only human. I have feelings. I get angry. I can be hurt. I don’t always respond in the way I should, and I certainly don’t have all the answers. But I am trying. Trying to forgive. Trying to let go. Trying to love more. Trying to grow closer to God. And ultimately, just trying to be a little better today than I was yesterday. If you’re carrying resentment too, maybe we can learn to put it down together.
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My hope for you (and myself) is that our hearts are lighter and less burdened by the weight of our guilt and resentment.
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Peace, love and harmony.
Reiki Rach
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Our next Day of Healing will be on Saturday the 17th of October, 10.00am to 1.30pm at Crosby Library.
For any that are struggling, suffering, Spiritually or Physically lost or have questions, come in and see us. It is always worth reaching out!
Those who are grieving or on the golden mile with a loved one returning to spirit. Any that have had ill effects from yoga who wish to understand more.
If you feel forgotten, overlooked or put others in front of yourself, then please come along, let us put your first.
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Pop in for a cuppa and piece of home made cake and see what we are about.
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